I really don't mean to be a downer.

it's just going to happen though.  I have a ton of emotions flooding through me and I need to do something with them, and the internet seems to be a good way to deal right now.

so my grandparents left last saturday to take a trip south together.  they have a home in arkansas, and a ton of friends who live in various cities/states in the south during the winter.  the sad reality is that this is the last trip like this that my grandparents will be taking together, and they knew it - which is why it was so important to them.  

my mom just called to tell me that they're on their way back home - that in the past week my grandmother's health has rapidly deteriorated, to the point where she can't even walk.  she literally can't stand up.  in a matter of a week she has lost a huge amount of mobility and it is really freaking me out.

i had lunch with my grandmother and my mom last week and then went to a movie with them.  i had a hard time talking to my grandmother; for the first time in my life the conversation was a struggle and i was awkward.  the tumor has affected her in ways i can't describe, and it's killing me that my response to it all is a stuttering conversation at the white bear lake movie theatre.  jesus.

so, if i ghost out on life for a while please don't take it personally.  i need to be spending time with her when she's home, and i need to learn to not be awkward and face this.

i am not really sure how to process this, and so i guess i'd like to thank the void that is the internet (and my friends) for letting me get this out there.